| Parents
of Gay Teens
By Andy Peters
“When
my son Eric told me he was gay, my first reaction was: Not
under my roof. Then it was like: You’re only 15! How
could you possibly know what your preference is? I don’t
know how he got those thoughts in his head. And now I’m
wondering, how am I supposed to help him with what he’s
going through?”
These
were the pained words of a mother that spoke briefly to
me on the phone while I was attempting to mediate between
her and her son. As a social worker at an agency that helps
lesbian and gay teenagers, I have had frequent contact
with
parents struggling to understand their children.
Parents’
reactions to their teenager coming out run the gamut. Some
hold religious beliefs condemning homosexuality as morally
wrong and insist that the child “change.” Others
believe that homosexuality is an illness, something that needs
to be “fixed.” They question what they did wrong.
Some label the child’s coming out as teenage defiance
or attention-seeking behavior.
For many
parents, a teen’s coming out elicits an impulse to protect.
Parents want to shield the child from gay bashers, bigots,
and AIDS. A parent’s reaction may also involve the fear
of being judged by family members, friends, and their community.
Parents will insist that the teenager hide being gay in order
to avoid bringing shame on the family.
What I
have found most effective as a first step in helping parents
of gay teenagers is providing empathy. Any and all of these
reactions are natural. The lack of information about lesbian
and gay people has led to the persistence of anti-gay hostility
or at least discomfort with this taboo subject. Further, all
parents deserve empathy for the difficult task of parenting
a teenager. Teenage defiance, devaluation of parental figures,
and demand for privacy test even the most patient parent’s
ability to follow the golden rule of parenting: putting one’s
child’s needs ahead of one’s own. Parents of teens
are faced with a tricky balancing act, on one side setting
practical limits on their teenager’s behavior and on
the other letting go so that the teen can learn to accept
responsibility. Too much parenting in either direction can
result in a breakdown in the parent-teen relationship and
an escalation in the teen’s risk-taking behavior.
It is
essential that parents of gay teenagers have the opportunity
to express their conflicting feelings. Shame pushes many of
these parents into a closet where feelings of anger, loss,
and guilt become overwhelming. Parents are vulnerable to becoming
depressed, as compounded feelings of shame and guilt lead
to hopelessness. On the other hand, lack of outlets for expression
can be a recipe for verbal and physical abuse, as parents
act out feelings of shame and guilt against the child (remember
the movie American
Beauty?).
There
are many compelling reasons for parents of gay teenagers to
sort out their conflicting feelings and reach a level of acceptance.
While many gay teenagers adjust well to their sexuality, recent
research provides sobering statistics on the plight of these
young people. As many as one in three attempt suicide. They
are at greater risk for substance abuse than heterosexual
teens. And young gay men continue to become infected with
incurable HIV disease at high rates. It is estimated that
half of all gay teenagers face rejection from their parents.
This rejection, whether overt or subtle, leads many to run
away from home. Most compelling of all the research is that
those youth who feel accepted and supported by their parents
are much less likely to encounter any of these problems.
Many
questions will surface for parents of gay teenagers: how do
I talk about this with my spouse? How can I insure the safety
of my child? How do I deal with dating? Fortunately, there
is an excellent resource for parents on Long Island. Long
Island Crisis Center’s Pride
for Youth Project provides a weekly support group for
parents of gay teenagers and free, individual and family counseling.
Parents have the opportunity to talk with other parents facing
similar feelings and questions. They also have access to professional
counselors and social workers with many years of experience
working with gay teenagers. For more information about these
important services, contact Maureen Ferrante, MS at (516)
679-9000, ext. 125.
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