PRIDE:
THE MEANING IS IN THE MIND
by Jed Ryan

"Pride" is one of those words like "love," "truth," or "beauty." Ask somebody what it means, and they'll try to answer, stumble, think about it, and then give their interpretation of what it means... to THEM. Ask ten different people, and you'll get ten different answers. According to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, "pride" means "The quality or state of being proud." Look up "proud," and you'll get: "Feeling or showing pride, as in (a) having or displaying excessive self-esteem or (b) much pleased." At best, this definition is broad and ripe for exploration and interpretation. Many of us would have a hard time defining "Gay Pride." (And don't tell me that it means "pride in being gay," because that sets us back to defining what "pride" is!) Although most of us would agree that June, being Gay Pride Month, is a time to wear pink triangles and rainbow colors and march in the annual Long Island and New York City Parades. Accurate? Yes-- but only to a point. Gay Pride is not just a universally recognized reason to party. Remember, we NEVER need a reason to have a good time! Marching in the parade one or two days out of the year isn't-- and shouldn't be-- the only thing that Gay Pride is about. This implies that we should only be proud within the month of June with the support and within the safety of a huge crowd. Marching in the parade-- or simply going to Huntington or Manhattan to watch it-- is more than just a symbol or a gesture. It shouldn't be self-serving. At the very least, it's a show of support for our community. But more importantly, it's an opportunity to show the rest of the world that we exist, and that we won't hide in the closet anymore. So, what is "Gay Pride" about?

Gay pride is about appreciating yourself and other members of our community for being different. In the fight for equality based upon sexual orientation, an unfortunate consequence has been that many of our well-meaning but misguided brothers and sisters mistakenly believe that by being more like "the rest of the world" (meaning heterosexuals), we can achieve our goals of equality faster, and also gain acceptance by straights. It is amusing to note that in the era of the Stonewall riots, we were fighting for the right to be "different:" the right to express ourselves yet not be excluded from safety and/or respect. Now, in 2002, it seems that we're fighting even harder for the right to be "the same" as straights. A classic example is gay men who believe that drag queens aren't "good" for our community, or gay men and lesbians who refuse to believe that some of us can actually be bisexual. This sad aspiration of conformity to limited views of sexual identity and gender expression is echoed by the "conditional acceptance" of many narrow-minded straight people who'd like us to remain in the closet, or whose "tolerance" of us is based upon how passive, quiet, "well-behaved," and "straight-acting" we are. Thinking that we can achieve equality by being more like straight men and women (from our looks to our goals in life) is a bunch of baloney. Assimilation into the "mainstream"-- whatever that is-- does not necessarily equate with tolerance, acceptance, or equality. Prejudice is prejudice. It won't matter whether you're dressed in work clothes or in leather; whether you vote Republican or Democrat; or whether you march in the parade or stay home and watch Martha Stewart on TV from your closet. Prejudice and homophobia are problems with the individual who's prejudiced, not with us. The same big-mouthed, small-minded bigots who talk about "special rights," the "gay agenda," and being gay as "a destructive, unhealthy lifestyle" (That's the newest one they use.) won't like you or accept you, sad to say, until you become as heterosexual (and as narrow-minded, too) as they are. On their homophobic, hateful (despite what they say about "loving the 'sinner,' hating the 'sin'") web sites and in their caustic rhetoric, they don't differentiate between a "nice," straight-acting homosexual and one that chooses to be out and have self-esteem. No individual or group-- gay or straight-- should dictate how you should act, look, live, or vote in the name of "what's best" for either you or the GLBT community as a whole.

Of course, gay men and lesbians are no different physically from heterosexual men and women. We feel the same emotions-- love, happiness, rejection, pain, and hurt-- as straights. Whether or not there's a gay gene remains to be seen. Like it or not, we ARE different from straights -- and it's a difference that much of society can't accept. We have different health-based and emotional needs. Through the years, our straight white male-dominated American culture, while s-l-o-w-l-y changing, has exacerbated the differences between gay American citizens and our straight counterparts. This has taken on many forms, from the grief that society (still) imposes upon unmarried and/or childless women, all the way to anti-gay legislation and violent gay-bashing. What our antagonists don't understand is that our quest for equality is a REACTION to prejudice and intolerance, not an ACTION arising from self-centered desires. But the differences between us and straights goes beyond that. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered can be a gift. It can allow us-- if we let it-- to have a unique insight into what it's like to be different, starting in childhood. Subsequently, it allows us to be more sympathetic to the struggles and needs of other minorities and/or repressed groups in America-- including those facing prejudice or injustice based on race, ethnicity, religion, or gender. Some gay activists have likened the plight of our community to the fight against animal abuse and cruelty: a result of a lack of compassion in modern society. Being different is never easy, whether it involves sexual orientation or other aspects of our lives. In fact, it can and has had a crippling effect on our self-esteem and our happiness. Some people will die never accepting their sexual orientation for fear of rejection. In the end, who have they pleased? Christine Jogensen, the transgendered pioneer who became the first recipient of a successful sex-change operation in the early 1950's, spoke about being different in a 1960's recorded interview; "There's a very, very big problem in the world with any child who has to live with the thought of being different, because we all sort of want to be a part of 'the group.' This is a great, great fright, I think, of each individual's fight for survival is to be wanted, to be needed, to be part of the mass. And when an individual is segregated out of that... it sort of leaves them standing alone." As a voice for the understanding and tolerance of transsexuals at a time when there was none, Ms. Jorgensen used her own experiences being "different" to pave the way for others. She was also one of the earliest voices for quality for gay men and women at at time when homosexuality was still considered an illness.

As if anti-gay bigots who state that our marching in parades is "flaunting our sexuality" weren't bad enough, some members of our community have argued that marching in the parade or wearing gay pride accessories is just shallow symbolism, or a "novelty" that is more important when someone first comes out. In an interview in the September 2001 New York Times, popular actor Nathan Lane proclaimed, "I was born in 1956. I'm one of those old-fashioned homosexuals, not one of those newfangled ones who were born joining parades." Born joining parades? Oh, please! Anyone who works in or with our community would agree that one of the biggest blocks to achievement of our equality is LACK of greater visibility and LACK of greater participation or involvement in everything from political activism to cultural events-- and yes, Virginia, this includes parades. The "newfangled" (presumably, younger) gays that Mr. Lane speaks of unfortunately may be the one most vulnerable to apathy, being misguided by gay-positive images on network and cable TV, in movies, and in theater. Yes, our community has made great gains in the areas of popular culture. But, as activist David Kilmnick stated in a 1997 Newsday profile, "Reality isn't 'Ellen,'" referring to the then-successful Ellen DeGeneres TV show. In other words, our community's gains in one area don't necessarily translate to equality in terms of our rights as citizens. We pay just as much tax, even more in many cases, as the average American, but we're treated as second-class citizens. We are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered 365 days a year, and we are deserving of self-love and self-esteem 365 days a year-- not just in June and not just in the safety of a large group. More importantly, our self-esteem and even safety is threatened 365 days a year. Certainly, anti-gay activists-- with their direct-mail anti-gay campaigns, web sites spouting slanderous information, and violent acts against us-- don't pick just one month out of the year to attack us. While you're sleeping, they're working to push you or even beat you back into the closet. Since last June, we've been accused by Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson of being responsible for the September 11th tragedy. Our President George W., with all due respect, has definitely not proven to be our ally. He made it known that his Administration will not recognize June as Gay Pride Month. The Salvation Army and The Boy Scouts showed their true colors-- and they aren't pretty. Most recently, the Roman Catholic Church has abandoned the notion of personal responsibility and is playing the homophobia card by attacking gay men. We have more subtle antagonists as well, like self-hating closeted gay men (who can be the worst homophobes and gay-bashers). Celebrating pride in being gay only in June is like only being nice to your mother on Mother's Day or only acknowledging the contributions of veterans on Veteran's Day. As Auntie Mame (who no doubt respected and appreciated diversity among people-- as activist Bill Borman pointed out to me, if you look carefully at the first scene of the 1958 Rosalind Russell movie, you'll see a lesbian couple among the party guests!) said, "Life is a banquet... and most poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death." Well, if life is indeed a banquet, then we should indulge in self-love, self-acceptance, and celebration every day of our lives-- and save June as the time of the year for the rich, decadent dessert of Gay Pride.

So, what is "Gay Pride?" It may not be so important that we find a universal definition. What's more important is that all of us feel positively and lovingly about being who we are-- in our case, definitely including but not limited to being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered-- at least for one moment in our lives and hopefully more. And that can be in June or any other month, at the Parade or any other location, or whether you're 17 or 70. Ultimately, the real and most important meaning of "pride" is in within each one of us. Discovering that meaning will be the next big challenge.

See you at the Parade!

Also see related articles:

Pride for Dummies
Rainbow Flags and Yellow Equal Signs Don't Reflect Today's GLBT Community

Photos by Louis Trapani (c) 2002