On one precious sketch of an episode of the TV show "Kids in the Hall," which plays on Comedy Central, the members of the Canadian comedy troupe performed a segment in which a group of gay friends discuss political issues. On the subject of gay marriage, one of them declares, "I believe that gays have the right to be trapped in loveless marriages just like everyone else." This comment, in a mirthful way, captures a piece of our community's internal struggle on the issue of the legalization of gay and lesbian marriages. Many of us are cynical about the whole idea of marriage in general. True, marriage is a flawed and imperfect institution, and half of all married couples will divorce. In this day and age, why even bother getting married at all? Both men and women can achieve their creative, personal, and professional goals without the benefit of a long-term relationship. For so long in America's history, the idea of a woman being "complete" only if she marries a man (and subsequently has children) was so ingrained in our culture that as gay men and lesbians, growing up in the straight world, we may feel the need to adopt the idea of marriage being the "correct" pathway for EVERYBODY-- gay men and lesbians included. Modeling our lives completely after what's considered "normal" or "traditional" for straight people is misguided and ultimately destined for failure. As gay men and lesbians, there's no specific pathway or road that's designed for us. It can be intimidating and sometimes scary, but if we look at it in a more open perspective, it can also be empowering: we have the freedom to choose our own pathway and to create our own destinies. And part of that power means never letting anyone infringe upon our freedoms to live and to love the way we choose.

Whether you believe that marriage is right for you or reject the idea, the point is that we must have the FREEDOM to choose if we want to legally recognize our unions. If we lived in a society that was COMPLETELY equal and non-discriminatory, the issue of gay and lesbian marriage-- well... wouldn't even be an issue. Two men or two women love each other, take a vow to try their hardest to be committed to each other, and look after each other in sickness and in health. Why shouldn't same-sex couples be entitled to the same benefits that opposite-sex couples enjoy through legally-recognized civil marriage? Every single one of us knows at least one gay or lesbian couple who are proof that gay marriage DOES work and can survive even as life in America becomes more chaotic and unstable every day. For those of you who can't think of a couple, here's one for you: famed lesbian lovers Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas were together 39 years, even though their marriage wasn't "officially" recognized.

Gay marriage has been a hot issue for a while now. Without dismissing former President Clinton's positive contributions to gay civil rights causes, Clinton openly opposed official recognition of gay marriage. Was the concept too "revolutionary," even for a liberal President? Of course, we all know that gay marriage is nothing new. Gay and lesbian unions have existed since the dawn of civilization, and marriages between two men were idealized in ancient Greece. In a 1994 book, historian John Boswell argued that the Roman Catholic Church blessed many unions between two men. More enlightened countries such as Denmark and Norway have allowed same-sex unions to enjoy the same rights as opposite-sex couples. America simply needs to catch up. Back in the days before Stonewall, many so-called "experts" believed that all gay men are by nature too promiscuous and not interested in, or capable of, a monogamous relationship. This stigma has unfortunately carried over to anti-gay rhetoric-spouters today. It's sickeningly ironic and hypocritical that in this day and age, bad-mouthed anti-gay folks are now jumping on campaigns to stop legally recognized gay marriage. It seems that in the 70's, opponents to our equality shouted, "They (gay men) don't want to commit;" and now, in the new millennium, they say, "They (gay men and lesbians) want to commit, but let's fight them…" True, gay weddings have been cemented in pop culture by being depicted on "Friends" and "Roseanne," enlightened religious leaders perform commitment ceremonies, and there's an emerging body of resources (books, businesses, etc.) catering to same-sex couples. There's also increased public awareness of the issue: More Americans are talking about it. Cause for celebration? Indeed. And, ultimately, the success of a marriage between two men or two women depends not on written law or the blessing of the government, but rather the two people making a commitment to each other. Nevertheless, the emotional and personal aspect of marriage is only one part. The legal and civil aspect is another...

Marriage Equality New York (MENY), founded in 1998, is New York State's only organization solely dedicated to ensuring access for same-sex couples to civil marriage. Their mission is to secure the freedom and the right of same-sex couples to enter into legally-recognized civil marriage, having all the benefits and responsibilities which that entails. In September 2000, Holland became the first Western nation to completely legalize gay marriages, although other European countries legally recognize gay and lesbian unions as well. Currently, same-sex couples are not allowed to legally marry anywhere in the United States-- a fact that surprises many members of our community. Hawaii seemed to be leading the way in 1996, when a Hawaiian court ruled that the state had not proved that it had a "compelling interest" for banning gay marriage. But just as many of us were buying plane tickets and practicing the hula, panic over copycat movements in other states led Congress to overwhelmingly pass the nationwide Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA, signed by President Clinton), and in 1998 voters in Hawaii approved their own statewide measure to block same-sex marriages. Since 1995, 34 states passed similar legislation. Obviously, keeping track of the situation from state to state, between pro-gay bills being introduced and the predictable, reactionary anti-gay bill, can be a Herculean task. Then there's Vermont. Vermont same-sex couples can have CIVIL UNIONS, but these are not the same as CIVIL MARRIAGE-- despite being a step in the right direction. On closer analysis, civil unions are a second-rate solution. And unless you believe that we are second-class citizens, that just ain't good enough!

We've all heard horror stories about gay or lesbian partners being denied hospital visits or being treated as "just friends" at the funerals of loved ones. But there are many more less dramatic but equally important (1049, to be exact!) rights, economic privileges, and legal protections that are unavailable to same-sex couples in long-term relationships. They include filing joint tax returns and getting special marriage or family exemptions; joint parenting, adoption, foster care, custody, and visitation; automatic inheritance in the absence of a will; taking bereavement and/or sick leave to care for a sick partner or child; and sharing government benefits such as social security and Medicare.

At CHOLI (Community House of Long Island) on the night of Monday, August 20, Out in L.I. welcomed Harlan Pruden and Patrick O'Hare from Marriage Equality Long Island (MELI, the local chapter of MENY) to their weekly meeting. The two, partners themselves, gave a very informative presentation on the current state of the fight for gay marriage equality. Harlan is Founder and Co-Chairperson of the Long Island division Many people who attended that night were surprised to learn about how civil unions and civil marriage are NOT the same. Harlan and Patrick were very informative, charming, and funny-- especially when they touched upon the subject of their own meeting, commitment ceremony, and life together. Dispelling the myth that most young gay guys are not politically involved, Patrick and Harlan are VERY devoted to their cause. They compared the struggle for gay marriage equality to the fight to end the ban on interracial marriages a few years back. They were excited about the efforts of State Senator Tom Duane, who has introduced a bill to legalize same-sex marriage in New York. (He also plans to introduce a civil union bill as well.) Patrick and Harlan were also confident that DOMA, due to its flaws, would not be as much of a deterrent to their cause as some may fear (Learn more about DOMA at the Marriage Equality web-site, www.marriageequality.com). MENY plans to achieve its goal through education, political advocacy, direct action (rallies, speak-outs, etc.), and networking with both gay and supportive non-gay groups and individuals. If you want to support this important cause, there's guaranteed to be a way to channel your talents!

On Thursday, October 18, from 7:30 PM to 11:30 PM, Marriage Equality will present the FIRST EVER Same-Sex Wedding Expo. It will be held at the Historical Thatched Cottage in Centerport. Admission is free! A fund-raiser for MELI, the expo will feature vendors interested in helping you make your commitment ceremony fabulous! There will be a buffet, refreshments, jewelers, photographers, registry shops, financial planners, lawyers, bands, DJs, florists, and much, much more. Whether you and your partner are currently planning your wedding, or you are happy being single, DON'T MISS THIS EVENT! I repeat, DON'T MISS THIS EVENT! It will be the perfect opportunity to meet the members of MELI-- and possibly other marriage-minded men and women!

Become aware of what's going on in the struggle for marriage equality. Don't just dismiss any current developments as "Oh, just another gay marriage issue!" The next step is to become involved! Marriage Equality Long Island meets on the last Wednesday of each month at the Historical Thatched Cottage at 7:30 PM. For more information, call Harlan at (631) 334-5406 or visit the very cool, very informative web site at www.marriageequalityny.com.

Remember, one day you may want to be the bride... or you might want to stay "always the bridesmaid." But no matter what, don't ever surrender your right to be either.

See Related Article:
New York State's First Same-Sex Wedding Expo - Making History on Long Island