NEW YORK STATE'S FIRST SAME-SEX WEDDING EXPO:
Making History on Long Island!
by Jed Ryan
Friday, October 26, 2001

On Thursday, October 18, 2001, Marriage Equality Long Island (MELI) presented New York State's first Same-Sex Wedding Expo at the Historical Thatched Cottage in Centerport. This highly anticipated and historical event attracted a large and diverse group of people. In attendance were supportive straight friends and relatives of the GLBT community, marriage-minded gay and lesbian singles, couples planning their commitment ceremony, and a reporter from the New York Times, who took photos and interviewed people about their opinions on the issue of same-sex marriage and about their impressions of the Expo. (The very positive New York Times story appeared in the newspaper on October 21). This free event, a fund-raiser for MELI, included a free hot buffet courtesy of The Historical Thatched Cottage and provided a diverse assortment of gay-friendly vendors. Although there were some vendors based in New York City or Nassau, the overwhelming majority were from Suffolk County. If you're a member of the GLBT community who believes in supporting local gay-owned or gay-friendly businesses, this was a perfect opportunity.

MELI is the Long Island Chapter of Marriage Equality New York (MENY). MENY, founded in 1997, is New York State's only organization solely dedicated to ensuring access for same-sex couples to civil marriage. Their mission is to secure the freedom and the right of same-sex couples to enter into legally-recognized civil marriage, having all the federal and state benefits and responsibilities which that entails. Currently, same-sex couples are not allowed to legally marry anywhere in the United States-- a fact that surprises many members of our community as well as many straight Americans. Gay and lesbian couples in Vermont can enter into CIVIL UNIONS. While civil unions are definitely a step in the right direction toward full equality, they are not the same as CIVIL MARRIAGE. Vermont couples can register their partnerships with the state, but these rights do not carry over outside of Vermont, like the rights of legally married couples do. This is only one important difference. As gay men and lesbians, we've all heard horror stories about gay and lesbian partners being denied hospital visits or being treated as little more than "friends" at the funerals of loved ones. However, there are many more less dramatic, but equally or more important (1049, exactly!) rights, economic privileges, and legal protections unavailable to same-sex couples in long-term relationships. A partial list includes: filing of joint income tax returns and getting special marriage or family exemptions; joint parenting, adoption, foster care, custody, and visitation; automatic inheritance in the absence of a will; taking bereavement and/or sick leave to care for a sick partner or child; and sharing government benefits such as social security or Medicare. Through education, political advocacy, direct action (rallies, speak-outs, etc.), and the building of coalitions (with both gay and supportive non-gay groups and individuals), MENY seeks to enlighten both the gay community and the rest of the public as to why same-sex civil marriage is important.

Harlan Pruden, the Long Island Coordinator for MENY and Founder of the Long Island Chapter, conceived the idea of the Same-Sex Wedding Expo, which was met with unyielding support and subsequent hard work by MELI. The New York Chapter as a whole helped with providing resources for the event. The tragic events on September 11th in Manhattan had a crippling effect on the New York City members of MENY, who temporarily put a hold on their activism while the city grieved. The Long Island Chapter of MENY worked overtime-- realizing that even though America was suffering, the timing of the Same-Sex Wedding Expo couldn't be more appropriate. In addition to being the life-affirming, positive event which our community needed in the face of tragedy, MELI realized that there was no better time to celebrate gay and lesbian family values-- most specifically, love and commitment. On October 15th, Cathy Lynn Grossman wrote a piece for USA Today entitled "After 9-11, Who is Legally Family?" Grossman pointed out that since the September 11th terrorist attacks, Americans are now grappling with how we define "family" and "relative." She pointed out that the American Red Cross, a private charity, has been responding fairly to the surviving partners and children of the gay and lesbian victims of the attack. However, what about federal compensation? The Justice Department is currently preparing rules and procedures, due by December 22nd, for a special federal compensation fund that may surpass $15 billion. This fund is designed to bail out the devastated airline industry as well as serve as an alternative to civil lawsuits for relatives of those killed and injured by the attacks. But how will gays and lesbians, without the benefit of legal marriage or co-parent adoption paperwork, for example, fare with this compensation?

Of course, our community has known for quite a while that "family" is not-- and should not-- be defined solely by blood ties, but must also take love, commitment, and support into consideration. The rest of America just needs to catch up. Considering that so far nearly a dozen gay victims of September 11th have been named so far (and there are expected to be more), this will bound to spark serious, emotional debate in the near future. For many gays and straights who believe that the issue of legally recognized gay marriage is only about wedding rings and honeymoons, the plight of the survivors of gay/lesbian victims' unfair treatment makes many people see the issue in a new light.

There were 220 attendees at the Same-Sex Wedding Expo. MELI's officers were in attendance: Rob Lassegue and Pat Colao, Co-Chairs of the organization; Janet Goldstein, Treasurer; and Israel Rivera, who is Secretary. There were also two State Board members of MENY as well as one National Board member in attendance. Vendors representing gay-friendly businesses from Suffolk, Nassau, and New York City were present, including florists, bakeries, DJ's and other entertainers, jewelers, travel agencies, and photography/video services. A gay or lesbian couple could conceivably plan their ENTIRE engagement and wedding at this event, from buying a ring, to choosing their bridal gown or tuxedo, to choosing the music, to planning the honeymoon. There were also resources which many of us DON'T think about, like marriage counseling services and financial/insurance advisors. The crowd of attendees dined on the hot buffet (which included a fresh vegetable platter, sesame stir-fry chicken, pasta, and fruit crepes) and listened to an eight-piece live band which performed many crowd-pleasing hits. Cosmetics artist Carl Haden performed mini-makeovers to any attendee (male OR female!) upon request, while Manhattan-based Christopher Street Financial and Metlife Securities, Inc., reminded people about the importance of investing wisely-- especially with the unique needs of our community. Representatives from the free, New York City-based gay newspaper The New York Blade was also in attendance. Photographers showcased their work with huge portraits of happy same-sex couples in romantic settings, while videos of same-sex commitment ceremonies played.

Many members of the Long Island GLBT community showed up. Walter Ratuchny and Rob Jackson of Community House of Long Island (CHOLI) were there, as well as a large showing of young men and women from Out in L.I. Also present was Dee Peterson, Events Coordinator for GOLD (Great Older Lesbian Discussions). Pastor Shane Hibbs of the Long Island Community Fellowship was there. Mr. Hibbs, an advocate for the spiritual and mental health needs of our community, is a is a counselor who practices clinical holistic psychotherapy.

Of course, anyone planning a commitment ceremony or wedding needs someone to perform the ceremony! Reverend Debra A. Viola, an Interfaith Minister and Spiritual Counselor, was present. She was charming and very friendly. In fact, according to my straight friend Linda, who accompanied me that evening, the atmosphere of the entire Same-Sex Wedding Expo was more charming and friendly than most of the similar opposite-sex couple and bridal expos that she'd been to before. And since she's planning her own wedding for next year, she's been to plenty! "It's interesting -- everyone here assumes that you're gay. But everywhere else you go, they all assume that you're straight. It would be great if anyone could just go to any one of these events and they wouldn't just assume you were straight OR gay!" She's right! It's also worth noting that if we lived in a society that was COMPLETELY equal and non-discriminatory, the issue of gay and lesbian marriage-- well... wouldn't even be an issue. Two men or two women love each other, take a vow to try their hardest to be committed to each other, and look after each other in sickness and in health. Why shouldn't same-sex couples be entitled to the same benefits that opposite-sex couples enjoy? Indeed, my friend Linda couldn't understand. And like many other Americans, she didn't even know that gay marriages are NOT legally recognized. When she passed by the Christopher Street Financial vendor and saw a reprint of a news article that featured a harrowing photo of the late Mark Bingham's grieving partner, she realized the greater significance of legalizing gay marriage.

There is progress being made. On Sunday, October 14th, California Governor Gray Davis signed a Domestic Partnership Bill, legislation that gives approximately a dozen of the rights enjoyed by married couples to more than 16,000 registered gay and lesbian partners. The bill, which goes into effect on January 21, 2002, makes California the second state to enact such legislation. Again, domestic partnerships and civil unions are not the same as marriage, but it's a step in the right direction. In New York, State Senator Tom Duane introduced a bill to legalize same-sex marriage. Duane also plans to release a civil union bill as well. The New York City members of MENY are now back and more energetic than ever after their brief hiatus. Nevertheless, there is still a long way to go. Many far right religious and political organizations ignorantly believe that legal recognition of gay and lesbian marriage "cheapens" opposite-sex marriage and conflicts with "traditional" American values. Amendment 28, a heavily-funded measure which would ban current and future gay/lesbian domestic partnerships and gay marriages, is being pushed by a group of right-wing organizations. While this amendment, according to Harlan Pruden, does not currently have any politician standing behind it, it should be a "wake up call" about a reactionary movement to the fight for marriage equality.

Special thanks goes to Ralph Colamussi, Owner and Executive Chef of the Historical Thatched Cottage. Harlan also wishes to thank all of his fellow MENY and MELI members and all of the vendors and the other attendees.

Marriage Equality Long Island (MELI) meets on the last Wednesday of each month at the Historical Thatched Cottage at 7:30 PM. All are welcome. Marriage Equality New York (MENY) has an amazing web-site which features a wealth of information about the current status of gay partnerships and the fight for gay marriage on a state-to-state and national level. Check it out at www.marriageequality.com. You can also call at (631) 334-5406. Contact the group to get a list of the gay-owned and gay-supportive businesses who were at the Expo. If you or someone you know from the GLBT community was personally affected by the events on September 11th, MENY has a list of resources available to help.

Remember: you may choose to stay single. In the future, you may choose to get married. But don't let anybody deny you the right to choose to be either!

Photos: Jed Ryan

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Marriage Equality Long Island: Working to Cure the Wedding Bell Blues